February 12, 2012

My failing marriage saved my Faith

Just over a year ago, it became evident that my marriage was failing. RJ and I barely spoke and when we did it was usually during an argument. We rarely saw each other because he began spending more and more time at work and usually made a point to go to Happy Hour at the end of the day. I was angry and bitter by what we were going through and he was closed-off and vulnerable. He resigned to the fact that we were over, this could not be fixed, and it was time to move on. I, however, did not accept that as truth and refused to believe it or allow it to happen.

I felt very alone during this time, and I felt extremely weak. There was no one, I felt, who I could truly go to for support because none of my friends had gone through the same situation. In my attempt to gain strength and save my marriage, I turned to The Lord. I'd never fully left my Faith behind but I'd definitely faltered a bit in the last few years. I wasn't going to church regularly, I'd only just begun praying again, and I just did not feel like the optimistic person I had become. I hated the person that I was, and I knew that something needed to change within me if I was going to be strong enough to save my marriage.

How can a human being change without the help of The Lord? We are so weak by nature and we are truly imperfect, but God can fix us and make us whole. I asked Him daily to help me become the strong woman that I needed to be, because I knew that I'd need great strength to ride out this terrible storm. I knew, through my tears, that He would hear me and make what was to be happen as it should. Maybe the outcome of it all wouldn't be the outcome I desired but at least it would be good. I knew this, and it helped me cope with the pain and heartache.

I had tons of guilt from the whole situation, and it was realy all through The Lord that I was able to work through it. I did not forgive myself for focusing 100% of my attention on my sons and 0% on my husband. I believed it never should have happened and I felt like I destroyed our marriage single-handedly {even though I truly knew that I had not}. We both had a large hand in how our marriage evolved and we were both fully to blame. We both needed to be on board in order for things to change, and that was difficult because RJ was not raised to fight like this. He was ready to accept the change that was bound to happen, even though he hated the idea of it, there was nothing that anyone could do or say to change it. I knew, though my strong Christian background and the Faith that I'd once put so much weight into, that this was NOT The End. This could become a Beginning if we worked toward that and we needed to work together.

God and I spoke daily about this, and I could feel the demons circling the air around us. He told me to continue to be strong and fight for this because it could be if I kept my Faith. He told me that I was precious in his eyes and that He would always protect my boys and keep them safe from harm, regardless of what happened. I felt no greater comfort than the comfort of the Lord during this time, and always, because He holds the greatest comfort available to us.

Now RJ and I have a better marriage than our courtship felt. We are strong together and have no trouble showing our emotions to the world. Our boys will grow up in a loving whole family, with a mother and a father with a strong Christian bond. The will go to church and understand why we go and know God as He knows us, and they will feel protected by his Glory. Little Rocker already KNOWS who God and Jesus are, when each night we say prayers to The Lord, and I will continue to talk to my boys about God and make sure they understand just how much He cares for them. This is my life, ordained by The Lord, and through Him anything is possible.

If you're every feeling lost and hopeless, He will always reach out to you - it's your responsibility to take His hand and accept His support. Amen.

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for this. It restored my faith in my marriage. I've been fighting to keep us together for a year now, but because my husband was not raised to rely fully on God, he doesn't feel the need to keep on trying. The only thing holding us somewhat together is our 8 month old baby girl. I will cling more tightly to my faith and trust in the Lord to save my marriage. Thank you

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  2. Thank you for this. It restored my faith in my marriage. I've been fighting to keep us together for a year now, but because my husband was not raised to rely fully on God, he doesn't feel the need to keep on trying. The only thing holding us somewhat together is our 8 month old baby girl. I will cling more tightly to my faith and trust in the Lord to save my marriage. Thank you

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  3. Marissa,

    I will pray for your family and trust that The Lord will give your family what it needs.

    What you're going through is a natural part of the world we live in, but it's also terrifying and difficult. I remember being so afraid that I'd end up alone with two children and no help. Millions of frightening thoughts ran through my head every day and it was hard to be strong, but I found my only strength in The Lord. I'm not saying that I'm now the perfect Christian but I do have a much better relationship with God now.

    We still struggle at times but we have something holding us together now. :-)

    Hang in there and please email me if you need support! Emailing on Facebook is probably a better way to get in touch with me because I'm no longer doing PR but my email box is clearing out VERY SLOWLY.

    ::HUGS::

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